Judge Daily: Can we get a little guidance?

This is an open letter addressed to ANYONE (Judge Daily included) at the Olmsted County Government Center in Rochester, Minnesota

Dear Olmsted County Government Clowns:

We here at Midnight and other beasts have been preparing a travel guide for our readers, who may plan on visiting Rochester. We don't understand it, but apparently there is some appetite to see firsthand what it is like to live in The People's Democratic Republic of Minnesota. 

We have been able to compile a comprehensive list of your finest establishments for the enjoyment of the world-renowned Somali cuisine. We have created a tour map that will assist our readers to take in the full splendor of your lovely Somali ghetto. There are also directions to the Mayo Clinic, complete with some parking tips. Showing once again that we will go over and above to serve the interest of our readers, we have mapped out all of the best locations in Olmsted County to purchase bananas and rice at wholesale. There seems to be little else of interest in your County, yet there are some nagging questions that remain.

Number one: Will there be a plaque or some other kind of memorial erected in Rochester to commemorate the erasure of the first amendment of the United States Constitution? If so, where? Also, will there be a racial test to determine who may visit?

Number two: In the absence of any specific statutes which bar the use of certain words, we understand that your office will employ the ever-elastic "disorderly conduct" statute to prosecute those who use speech which your office finds "offensive". We understand, from a recent ruling in your court, that the word NIGGER is subject to this judicial fiat. 

It is our wish to provide sound guidance to our readers. In the event that they should, while visiting your fair city, come into any potential conflict with a brown-skinned person of questionable immigration status, what might be some safe and legal words to be used? We have a short list of potential alternatives, which we submit for your review-

Yard ape, porch monkey, jigaboo, jungle bunny, spearchucker, melon head, balloon head, darkie, skid mark, hood rat

Would more generic terms like asshole, dipshit, fuckhead or goof be permitted?

Are any (or all) of these safe alternatives? Are there any OTHER words that are verboten in Olmsted County? 

Your guidance in this matter will be greatly appreciated.

Insincerely yours,

Thomas J. Darby

p.s. - Just kidding! None of our readers are coming to your shithole