He absolutely despised lawyers. Were it entirely up to him (sadly it is not) he would never have taken a single one of them. It was a great relief for the overworld that lawyers are mortal, for it is frightful the carnage they can wreak in a mere seventy years. For the Devil, however, this becomes a monumental burden. What to do with them all? He had been quite relieved when priests and priestesses had fallen out of favor, but then that class of professional liars were only supplanted with this new breed. As the father of all lies the Devil understood that the simple lie is best. Those that appeal to the individual's insecurities or vanity are always effective. The sheer volume and needless complexities of Rabbinical law was bad enough, but this? Even he, the Devil, was appalled at the trees slaughtered to print all of those legal registers. He often thought that if it should take so much rigmarole to deceive, then they just were not very good at it. He was not wrong in thinking this.
He was growing impatient and it was beginning to show. He had grown so exasperated at hearing them prattle on and on for hours about nothing, the Devil began to click his talons rather loudly upon the onyx tabletop. Some of the long time board members grew noticeably unsettled by this, recognizing it as a danger sign. It was not going to take much more for him to decide on abandoning all protocol and simply setting them all aflame. To make matters worse these were not the usual Jew lawyers, oh no! They were Mormons!
The Lord of the Underworld was keenly aware of the paradoxical nature of his realm. It was necessary to maintain certain vital interfaces with the world of mortal man, not the least of which being the steady source of souls to govern. There were, regrettably, now a host of other reasons why this was true. As the overworld had grown so unbelievably complicated, so too had Hell itself been thus compromised. It was thus that the Devil was left to suffer these indignities from time to time; that he should have to play host to these legal teams and their insufferable smugness. The incomprehensible physical laws of the realm would permit the presence of these mortals, as each of them had already surrendered their souls upon passing the bar.
As a point of procedure the Devil would have been entirely in his right to delegate this to the head of Hell's staff legal department, Harry Reid. Reid was certainly qualified, but the Devil did not trust him. Nor should he have. The stakes were too high in this case. Even with the tireless reforms implemented by their latest HR director, Sam Kinison, Hell was growing impossibly overcrowded. The Devil had been working for some time to negotiate a lease for some sort of annex in the overworld to help manage some of the overflow. Utah, with it's predominantly Mormon population, would be the one place in North America where an annex of Hell might be placed right beneath the citizens' noses, and none would be the wiser. They were already storing nuclear waste there! He never imagined this would end up being such a hassle. The annual Halloween Ball was coming up in just a couple of days. And then there was that damned election coming up just a few days after that. There was a lot of preparation still to be done and he was stuck here, dealing with this bull shit!
It had been really refreshing that last election season to be relieved of the onerous duty. The process was so obscenely perverted that it had required no attention from he or any of Hell's staff. The political class were able to completely debase and defile the very notion of a Republic and they had done it all quite brazenly. Somewhat begrudgingly he had to admire their cheek. It was easy for him to have a bit of a chuckle over the entire affair, for the Devil knew something that they did not: they would not, in the end, have the last laugh. For a being who existed only for the purpose of administering eternal damnation, it was most gratifying to see the faces of these types when payment finally comes due. They've always been told they are the smartest person in the room and sadly they believe it. When they discover that the game is up they all wet themselves. Some of them even shit their pants. The Devil was ultimately a patient being. There was a rich harvest coming.
Thus was the urgency of concluding all of these infernal terms! He had Epstein languishing with tug jobs in the Asian section, waiting to assume his duties as the Devil's deputy to run the planned Utah annex. Sort of a Vice...roy? Devil's Viceroy? Vice Devil? The actual title wasn't finalized. The title wasn't really important.
Hillary had convinced them that his help was no longer needed. Hillary was convinced that she was next in line for his job. Neither of these things were true. They most certainly needed his help now, though none had humbled themselves to ask. Trading up for the younger pant suit may have been a good move, except that there actually had to be something in the pant suit. Something besides excrement. It was highly unlikely that he ever would have helped this crew and it certainly wasn't going to happen now. There were four different camps playing screw your neighbor and no one was getting fucked except for their constituents. The Devil had not made his reputation by backing losers.
Well, there was the solution, wasn't it? He didn't have to sit through this! Trump was a real estate guy. All the Devil needed to do was wait until January and in five minutes they could have this deal done and put to bed. Then he could tell these Mormons to go fuck themselves. And he would. It would happen soon enough, just not today. To the momentary horror of those present the Devil arose to his full, imposing height to make an announcement.
"Gentlemen! I don't feel we are making any progress here. Due to some... recent developments we have decided to shelve this project until the next fiscal quarter. Why don't you plan on coming back, say... perhaps the end of January? You can get with Ernie, my chief of staff, to secure all the arrangements."
The Utah crisis has not ended. It has only been prolonged. Stay tuned....
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