Ichabod's Revenge

 Well, here we are coasting into the end of September. By the calendar it is officially Autumn. The kids are back in school, MLB is winding down and, once again, the weekends (now beginning on Thursday night) have returned to the 96 hour marathon of football broadcast. Of course this year that is an added treat, with every commercial segment dedicated to campaign ads. They're just the best, aren't they? Usually one has to at least pony up for a halfway decent dinner to get lied to like that. The networks are going over and above this year. Now this may, or may not, exacerbate an already raging mental health crisis, yet this still is not the most serious public health issue we face. Not by a long shot. 

The looming specter of a Presidential election notwithstanding, there is a phenomenon which rears it's ugly head every year about this time. I am, of course, referring to the dreaded PSL: Pumpkin Spice Latte. From mid September to the January Feast of the Epiphany we as a nation are beset with an ubiquitous and intrusive Pumpkin Spice regime. It's not just lattes. They are putting that shit into everything. I am not one to frequent their market, but I would be willing to bet that even the cartels are getting in on this annual cash grab. Say what you want for their moral character, or lack thereof, there is no disputing that these folks have a firm grasp of capitalism. It is hardly outside of the imagination to speculate upon the existence of the Pumpkin Spice/Fentanyl Cocktail. Indeed, stranger things have occurred.

This scourge has plagued us for enough years now that it is hard to pinpoint just exactly where this all began. My suspicions lean heavily toward the British. The Japanese may also be involved. I know that he's become everyone's whipping boy, but I would not rule out the possibility that George Soros is somehow involved. At any rate, there is little to be gained by assigning blame for now. At this juncture it is only critical that the general public be informed of the potential danger and ways of mitigating their risk.

In the early years of this contagion one needed only to guard against coffees or doughnuts infected with this insidious melange. The preventative measures were quite simple, requiring no additional props or complicated protocols: one simply refrained from ingesting. Oh, that it were so simple today! One dare not enter the housewares aisle at any retailer, between now and the after Christmas sales, without the protection of your N-95 mask. Actually setting foot in front of the shelf where all the candles are displayed is an act akin to those brave souls who performed the initial clean up at Chernobyl. It begins with watering eyes, a runny nose and an irritating tickle in the throat. Within less than a minute this level of exposure will progress to uncontrollable coughing, and in some instances a deadly constriction of the windpipe. Those who have survived such encounters tremble when asked to relive the horror. They all complain that forever after they have always felt... orange, somehow. 

My best advice for avoiding this olfactory assault is to simply refrain from patronizing any retailers during this season. I realize, however, that this is quite impractical for most during what is the busiest retail quarter of the year. I'm not saying it's impossible, and given the number of Amazon deliveries one sees we may well be on our way to removing this risk altogether. So go if you must, but avoid close contact with anything pumpkin spice scented. A surgical mask will do you no good whatsoever. The aforementioned N-95 would be safe, though somewhat cumbersome. In the absence of any other protection it is wise to keep one's mouth closed and breath through the nose, using a damp cloth as a filter. A little Vick's vaporub under the nostrils, if one is especially sensitive. 

 Pumpkin Spice is not a lethal substance. It won't kill you, unless consumed at ridiculously excessive levels. While that is true, it shouldn't need to be said: ridiculously excessive consumption of nearly anything is likely to kill you. Even water. The real danger of Pumpkin Spice is it's pervasive nature. Thankfully it has remained a mostly seasonal threat, but it has nevertheless slowly crept into more and more of our lives.

Some genius came up with the Pumpkin Spice car air freshener. Twenty years ago this was unthinkable. It would be laughed off as a joke, yet I am here to tell you friends that this did happen. This is one of the rare instances that we can all be truly thankful for the variety of state and federal consumer protection agencies that are the watchdogs for our safety. The object in question was of a construction typical of car air fresheners. It was a four mil, laminated cardboard infused with the scented agent and with a small punch at the top. A small looped cord was threaded through the hole for suspension from the rear view mirror. In this particular instance the cardboard had been die cut into the shape of a pumpkin and colored orange to match. Samples were submitted for "safety" testing.

There is an entire battery of tests that new products are subjected to, and if you're anything like me you'll find most of them to be supremely boring. So I'll spare you the litany. There was, however, a test in this case that is noteworthy. A test is performed in a confined space comparable to the volume of the average car interior. The freshener is mounted within this space and then measurements are taken to determine the presence of the agent in parts per million. Whether it was a case of irrational exuberance or a serious miscalibration, the initial samples submitted far exceeded the specified parameters. When attempting to measure for parts per million the technicians were alarmed to discover that the scenting agent was so overloaded that it comprised a percentage of the gases present in the atmosphere. They measured more Pumpkin Spice molecules than there were nitrogen gas present, and nearly as much as the CO2 levels.

Advised of their error the firm in question submitted yet another set of testing samples. The level of infusion had been reduced five-hundred fold from the initial lot. In the required testing for exposure levels with live subjects the results were still disastrous. A pair of Rhesus monkeys placed inside of a simulated car interior with one of the air fresheners could withstand no more than ten minutes' exposure. After that length of time the monkeys grew disoriented for a brief time, then became agitated and aggressive. Before the procedure could be halted the pair had ripped each others' faces off and were gnawing off each others' tails as the technicians were able to extract them from the simulator. Both monkeys were euthanized.

A sensible man would conclude from this exercise that the product simply wasn't viable. Sensible men are a rare commodity in consumer protection agencies. After the submission of yet a third lot for testing it was determined that the potency of the agent was within acceptable levels and the product was green lighted, with some minor conditions. It was required that the exterior packaging of units for retail sale be marked with a set of warnings. Use of this product may cause, itchy and/or watery eyes, runny nose, sneezing, coughing or shortness of breath. Not to be used by those with asthma or other chronic respiratory disorders. Not to be ingested. Avoid contact with eyes or mucous membrane tissues. Wash hands thoroughly after handling. Hopefully you don't have one in your vehicle. But they are out there. Somebody made them; somebody bought them.

Hey ladies. You say you want some hunky fella to come over and help you move heavy furniture? Forget the Bud Lite. Put a little dab of some of that Pumpkin Spice perfume on your neck (and at the top of your cleavage if there is any) and rub up against him the next time you see him in the elevator. Give him that come hither look that says "thats right big boy. plenty more where that came from". You know the one. Under the influence of that witch's brew a man can be persuaded to all manner of depravities.

There are even Pumpkin Spice edible undergarments. Pumpkin Spice flavored condoms and body oils. And as disturbing as these are, thats not even the worst of it. In a sign that almost surely heralds the end times, they have even introduced Pumpkin Spice to beer. And vodka. Well, nothing is shocking any more. We can observe the external ramifications of Pumpkin Spice in the broader social sense, but to understand it's dangers on an individual scale we must return to the original culprit: the Pumpkin Spice Latte.

It used to be (I'm not certain this is still true), that if there was to be travel to Russia or Eastern Europe one was advised to begin drinking vodka in preparation because the water isn't safe. I rather imagine this has some sort of tag, perhaps Vladimir's revenge? Here in North America the Mexican variant, Montezuma's revenge, is more familiar. It's the same phenomenon in either case, though you don't hear many barking for tequila as an alternative. Although there is no real travel involved, save for the ride to a Starbucks drive-thru, there is an equally distressing gastro-intestinal disturbance associated with the Pumpkin Spice Latte. I have decided that this shall be dubbed Ichabod's Revenge, in honor of the old Pumpkinhead himself.

For those of you who have experienced either the East European or Central American strains, you have my most sincere sympathy. For those without the benefit of this experience there are still ample accounts of how these illnesses manifest. Ichabod's Revenge often presents in similar fashion, but the symptoms are more wide ranging. With prolonged consumption these symptoms may grow quite severe.

In addition to the heartburn, indigestion, gas and diarrhea associated with the former, there is quite a list of added symptoms common to the latter. Consider for a moment those effects upon men. First of all, a real man would never drink a PSL, but there are some men who do. The White Dudes for Harris crowd comes to mind here. These are men who typically are rather less than masculine to begin with. With prolonged consumption of PSL they seem to regress to the feminine traits of their early fetal forms. The testicles will retreat into their abdominal cavity, they will begin to curb the tires of their vehicles when rounding turns, and in the most extreme cases they may even start to develop tits.

Now it is not my intention to dump on the ladies here, but the statistics don't lie so there is no way around it. Eighty-seven percent of the PSLs sold in North America are consumed by females. It has long been known that in the 16-24 bracket the PSL is a gateway drug to becoming a full fledged white wine whore. It is a tragic progression to observe. Having reached full Pumpkin Spice saturation the PSL can no longer sate their thirst and only the combination of white wine and cake can stay the beast that lives within. You can wipe that smirk off your face, fellas. Those are someone's daughters, damn it!

Then there is the post graduate crowd. This gaggle of dangerously over-educated hens verge upon the insufferable in the best of circumstances. Add a decade or so's worth of PSL consumption and at the slightest provocation one may find themselves staring down the barrel of a women's studies degree coming into it's full flower of double standards and hypocrisy. Somehow, at least in their own minds, the Pumpkin Spice saturation allows them to transcend their degree and parlay that knowledge into the complete mastery of all the social sciences. Oh, and anyone who disagrees is Hitler. Just ask Joy Behar.

I could move on up the scale, but there is little point to it. The next rung on that ladder is what I might call "the Karen Class". The name is pretty self explanatory I think. The "Karen" is the culmination of decades of PSL consumption. If one were to take a tissue sample from the average Karen one would discover cinnamon, nutmeg and clove at the cellular level. Think about that for a minute.

Karens are not an entirely new thing. They used to just be called "scolds". Or bitches. One thing is for certain though. There are a lot more of them. There are also a lot more commercials for incontinence products. And medications for Chohns or IBS. I won't go so far as to say that the Pumpkin Spice Latte is the cause. Still, I'm pretty damned sure there is a correlation. They say that sometimes, on quiet nights, one can hear the laughter from the forests outside of Sleepy Hollow. Laugh Ichabod, as well you should.